


playing the second string

by BrynTheBeatnik



Category: Peaky Blinders (TV)
Genre: Asshole Tommy Shelby, Bittersweet, F/M, Lizzie deserved better, Sad Ending, Unhappy marriage, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 06:54:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,843
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28631328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrynTheBeatnik/pseuds/BrynTheBeatnik
Summary: Warnings: alcoholism, infidelity mentioned, cursing, mental breakdownSummary: And again Lizzie had to wait for Tommy to arrive. Nothing much changed between them since they’re married, but Lizzie is sick of being Graces replacement.
Relationships: Lizzie & Grace Burgess, Tommy Shelby/Lizzie Stark
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11
Collections: Garrison Fest





	playing the second string

**Author's Note:**

> I used the prompt from tumblr "I’ll set fire to the whole place" from @garrisonfest. It was a song prompt, but I didn't listen to the song... So here are other songs I would recommend matching the topic:  
> Starring role- Marina and the diamonds  
> Prisoner- Miley Cyrus ft. Dua Lipa  
> Cover my eyes- La roux  
> By the way my tumblr peaky blinders blog is @deepdonutkid and I post memes, fanarts and also writing!

The long dinner table was abandoned except for one woman sitting in the moving shine of a candle keeping her company. She had turned off the light when she could bear it anymore. Why put on the big chandelier, if there was nobody in this room but her? There was nothing she was still eager to see. It would be a waste brightening up the hall for herself. Born and raised in a dark, scruffy house in Small Heath, she was used to the lack of light. Her eyes were already used to the dark and the mere schemes of furniture were enough for her to find her way through the manor.  
Sitting on her chair, dining with her fine china, sipping the wine probably Grace chose by herself, Lizzie felt bitter. She didn’t want to look at belonging of the first wife all over again, while she waited for the man, who was held in the Burgess’s claws. And even after her death she was still awfully present in his life and in this house. After all, she wasn’t allowed to put all the things away. Tommy had assured her, that everything should be just as the Burgess had left it. At some point Lizzie just snapped and stopped turning on the light. But Lizzie was a smart woman and if she couldn’t do anything against it, she would just sit in the dark of the night or close the curtains, so her eyes could recover from the burden of being the second wife.

Somehow she still knew that she should consider herself lucky. Tommy married the former prostitute, although he didn't loved her. Otherwise she would have been just another pregnant unwed secretary in this unforgiving world. And yet, it still hurt, when he shoved her away or didn't show up at all. Lizzie mumbled to herself as she poked the food on her plate: “I should have learned my lesson by now.” The realization was in her head, but hadn’t reached her heart and it ached to remind her it still believed in love. But love was dead, apparently… Or at least for Tommy as life has lost all purpose after he was unable to protect his wife.

But the former Stark only became bitter long after sealing the marriage covenant. There wasn’t a point of sudden realization, it was more like a process of learning how unwanted she was in his life and how little space she took in it. She felt like she was pressed into a small, vitreous box and was told to make no noise at all. Slowly she began to suffocate until she couldn’t breathe and yet she stood still and made no afford to escape her luxurious prison. One wrong step and she would lose everything. She’d knew that, but she didn’t know what she would do, if she looked at the shatters of her little box. Where would she and her daughter go under the premises that Tommy would even let her leave her misery?

So she ceased that train of thoughts. It was pointless anyway, but Lizzie started thinking which requirements needed to be fulfilled to make her life tolerable. She was caught in their drama since she met the Shelbys, so she was well aware of her slim to non-existing possibilities to be freed from them. But that just made it sound like it was torture to be around them. That wasn’t the case. She liked to laugh and talk with them so much, but that didn’t change the fact, that she felt trapped in her unhappy marriage life with Tommy. And she did love him. God, how much she did. She loved him to the point where it hurt her and she begged for the pain to end.

Whenever she sees him with another woman she has to avert her eyes. That was the simplest way to remain comfortably in the dark. Lizzie knew, she couldn’t change him, she couldn’t stop him from doing what he did and she couldn’t lecture him. With her past it was impossible for her to even speak about this topic. “So? You fucked other guys for money, Lizzie. What does it matter?” His voice was ringing in her head, when she thought about it.

Not even once she has told him the truth on how much she loved him. She kept that secret to not get her heart broken… as if there was still something left to break… as if he hadn’t torn it to bits and pieces with every time he took somebody else for the sake of fucking. His women were used as meat to feed the hungry wild dog. She never saw shame in it and never would. The society bribed her into prostitution and then turned this against her. It was neither her responsibility nor her choice, so she among other women wasn't to blame, but the men who took her service.

However, there was one minor difference between Thomas Shelby and every other man. He could use his magic dick to solve problems. He did it with Grace, with May and even with this crazy Russian Duchess. And he would do it anytime, if needed. As if their marriage was just a joke or a piece of paper with no meaning to it. All it gave her was the legitimation of her child and a beautiful cage. He would go his way and she would follow hers. If only someone warned her before hand. Then she may have reconsidered her options. She felt cruel, but as she went on and on about her misery, she thought about every possible outcome and perhaps she was better off alone. No child and no husband to keep her trapped in that damn little box. But still she couldn’t escape the Peaky Blinders, she knew too much about them, to let her live. The whole thing with Angel Changretta just proofed. She took the blame that time, but it didn't mean she wasn't angry at the brothers who mistook her for an object without an opinion. Which she wasn’t! She had her own mind and could speak for herself, if only someone let her open her mouth.

Now nobody was able to detain her from talking, however there was no one around to hear what she has to said. Lizzie was all alone in that fancy dining room, she lost her patience at last. How many minutes and hours has she spent here longing for the arrival of this sedulous man? Needless to say, the mighty king took afford to show up at his home only occasionally. Whenever he felt like it or when he needed to change clothes or when the stars aligned. But she was done with that. She threw her napkin on her plate and finally stood up.

She didn’t know what to do next, so she wandered around in the room and glanced over to the liquor bottles again and again. A wheeze passed her lips as she crossed her arms in front of her chest. With what audacity he justified his behavior? Oh, yes, how could she have forgotten? Thomas Shelby made his own rules, bowed to no one and was his own master… and what fucking else. Lizzie was so fed up with his bullshit. She walked right to the cocktail cabinet and grabbed the first bottle come to her hand. And then she drowned that alcohol like her life was depending on it… like it could settle her thirst for justice… like she was stuck on a lonely island and it was her first clear water in weeks. She was fumed, even after she had emptied the bottle which she put it down with a clank.

“Daft wanker”, she yelled, loud enough to be noticed in the next room. “Idiot, asshole, tosser, bloke, fucking heartless manwhore!” Her rage rose again and there was not enough liquor in the house to drown it. But his nonattendance had one good. If he didn’t take afford to even pass by to say hello, she didn’t need to make afford to look presentable for him. And looking like eye candy was so fucking tiring. She pushed off her shoes and walked on the cold wooden floor with just her stockings on back to the cabinet to grab the next bottle. The last was surprisingly empty, so now she searched for a full one. 

When she found it, she finally left this cursed chamber behind. Filled with anger and disappointment she clomped her way up to Tommy’s bedroom. He didn’t sleep in the master bedroom, not anymore, not since Grace died and Lizzie was forbidden to even enter it. Right there was the perfect example to why this was only his home and never hers. She was only allowed to keep her belongings here and sleep two rooms down the hallway. And like a good wife she accepted her fate, but this didn’t mean she couldn’t be bitter about it. Her rampage didn't take place in the masterbedroom, the holy chambers he and his wife shared, but the guestsroom he chose for her and the several other women he brought along.

The first thing she did after her arrival was to sit down on the clean sheets of his bed. Just drinking and starring into the void. Maybe she had entered the room just to feel close to him again. If that was something she has ever had with him. They saw each other naked on several occasions but it didn’t imply intimacy. Or at least not the type of intimacy she craved. They had never been a lovey-dovey romantic couple, yes, she knew. She fucking knew... but it still ripped her heart out, every time she saw the way he looked at pictures of his long lost love. What wouldn’t she give to be loved like this? To be adored like this with deep compassion his eyes?

Apparently, she just wasn’t enough. That had to be the answer to all her questions. She just wasn’t good enough. Lizzie was always meant to play the second string. To stand in the second row. To be the second choice, the second wife. To win the second place. Now gleaming hot tears filled with rage and self-loathing were running down her cheeks. How much she hated herself for not being loved by someone else the way he loved the Burgess? Even when she did everything she could, she still wasn’t as charming or as funny or as debonair as other women.

Maybe she should just accept the fact that she would always come second, because she was just average and not stunning, dashing or marvelous as others and she couldn’t stop comparing herself to those brilliant, sweet and elegant women. Women like Grace, with the silkiest blonde hair, with the most shining blue eyes and the most loveable singing voice. Who would choose Lizzie over her? And Grace with her charming smile could get away with anything. The burgess was a spy and a liar and yet she was so holy and pure in Tommy’s eyes. When Lizzie just tried to get over him, by dating Angel, she got yelled at for fraternizing with the enemies. Tommy was so hypocritical when he applied his double standards on women. Grace couldn’t do anything wrong. She was untouchable, after her death more than ever. And Lizzie was the former prostitute. It was her fucking stigma and no matter how hard she tried and how proper she dressed and acted, she couldn’t get rid of it. Tommy would reassure her, whenever she forgot it for one second. She was branded as a whore for the rest of her life.

While she sat there and drank, not moving an inch, she lost her mind in her thoughts. At one point she just fell backwards. Then the spell, that kept her in her position, broke. She crawled across the sheets to curl up in the middle of the bed and weep again. Seeing all the pictures of Grace everyday felt like thrusting a knife in her chest over and over again. Lizzie was just a bad replacement for a perfect saint and it wouldn’t matter, if she was there at all. And every time she tried to make space for herself, she was pushed right back. There was no place for her in this big mansion despite of all the rooms and chambers. Instead it was filled with the ghost of a woman as if she still was present to this day. Sometimes Lizzie was so lonely and frightened, she could hear the Burgess laughing or smell her perfume on the sheets. It drove her completely crazy.

But gladly there was an antidote to her madness and it was called destruction. In a frenzy of violence she jumped on her feet and opened his wardrobe. Looking at his stuff encouraged her even more. The tears darkened by her mascara ran down her face as she threw his clothes around. She even tried to rip one of his shirts apart, but she lacked the power to do so. Another thing she couldn't do right. “I’m gonna burn him like he burned me” She screamed.  
Completely taken in by her wrath she shouted: “I’ll set fire to the whole place” Things were thrown of their places, which made a hell of a noise. Lizzie kept on with her rampage until she hurt herself as she hit the wall repeatable. With bruised knuckles she tried to fight something that was all in her head. Her pain fueled furthermore while she yelled.

All the sudden she became quiet again, as she remembers her own words, which she still needed to fulfill. Everything she hated should turn to ashes. She forgot this for a second as she caused mayhem. Now the adrenalin faded and Lizzie’s head started to function again. Her energy was all gone, but for her plan to set it all on fire she just needed a lighter. How hard could it be to find one? Her greyish eyes still burned from all the tears she shed. This complicated her search. With blurry vision she looked in every drawer, but couldn’t accomplish her mission.

Then the staff rushed in. She must have awakened them or maybe some of the servants were still awake in the middle of the night. Frances, the house keeper, spoke soft words and patted her to calm Lizzie a bit. The other maids bustled around and cleaned up the mess she made. After another hour the lady of the arrow house was quiet again. She didn’t sob anymore and her face was dry due to good old Frances who wiped away the make-up stains. It was also Frances who put the bottles away and helped Lizzie change into her night gown, because Lizzie was still too drunk. And after all she didn’t mind to be undress by another person. The Shelby woman was used to this… as a former prostitute.

By the time Tommy entered the house, Lizzie was presentable again. Her eyes were still red, but it was too dark to notice and Tommy didn’t care enough to even look in her direction. He walked straight to his home office and closed the door. But Lizzie still loved him, regardless of how much he had hurt her, so she followed him. She wasn’t ready to call him out for his behavior and maybe she would never be, but this didn’t mean she could stare at him, while he did some work before falling in his bed with the fresh sheets. Not the ones with Lizzies make-up stains. The maids would never forget such a detail.  
“What are you doing in here?” he moaned, still didn’t look up from his work.

She didn’t have any good explanation and she certainly didn’t want to tell the truth. So she went with a cheap lie: “I just wanted to say good night. I waited for you at the dinner table.”

“No need to.” Tommy grunted and glanced at her and then back at the documents. Of course he didn’t comment her red eyes.

Lizzie didn’t consider this conversation as done instead she just stood there, leaning on a sideboard. She just kept staring at him. Her head was empty again, she had her moment of weakness and now she gained her calmness back. “Anyway… Good night, Tommy” she declared and folded her arms over her chest. The look in her eyes was dull. She was so tired, but she still didn’t want to go to sleep.

Until he turned his head to peek at Grace’s framed photograph. She should have destroyed this instead of his shirts, she thought and bit her lip. It still killed her how much love he still had in his eyes, when he looked at that stupid picture. But she was already dead inside and to end her pain she just closed her eyes. Her light died again and she was left in the dark.


End file.
